Where I take babbling and bs to new heights... All this open space can only lead to severe rambling, irrational rants, strange pondering, silly synopses and outright rage. Consider yourself warned, wink. Janey Gunning, Janey "Red Brick" Bitch of the Cryptic Monologue
I enjoy the show Grey's Anatomy and often watch it... although sometimes I find it has too much "high school" drama... I do enjoy most of the story lines, and MOST of the characters.
BUT I hate Meridith Grey (the main character and usual narrator)... I find her lack of being able to commit so annoying... and all her angst wrapped around her past pisses me off.
I truly want to slap her and tell her to grow up.
Of course, Im not an idiot, and I understand why her character bothers me so much... its mainly because I think we often hate the weaknesses we see in others that remind us of the things we are not proud of or hate in ourselves.
Having said that, Josh Radin makes beautiful music... and this is one of my favourite songs currently.
On a completely random note... I found this convo I had today very funny...
FS says: wassup?
Janey says: Nothing much, I'm cranky and bummed, and I hate being like that.
FS says: bummed? whats on your mind hun? hugs
Janey says: No idea, my mind is just a swirl of craptastic bullshit...
FS says: no idea? is it cuz you cant have me?
Janey says: Of course, that's it! If I could only have you ... my life would be complete.
FS says: i thought so so predictable
Janey says: Do you like cages, or prefer chains?
FS says: lol, why, what you thinking?
Janey says: I'm determined to keep you, now that I know thats what is bothering me, smile.
Wow, Im funny eh??? Okay, maybe not, but it did bring a smile to my face for second or three.
Prior to Canada Day, I set up my Lego Mountie (Max - he sure has made the rounds) in the Bricks and Blocks store in St Jacobs, pic to follow.
Had a fantastic Canada Day this year. Once again Chris and I worked for RedBoss and set up the Canada Day Fireworks Show in Markham. What a blast, pun intended.
Sorry for those of you that are stuck seeing the little black boxes with questions marks in them in lieu of a space. I have no idea how to get rid of them.
Sometime early last week I looked around my new digs.... and something was missing (well aside from the square footage I once had, and half my stuff.)
Most things are in their place, and I have settled in quite nicely. My clothes hang in the closets, my few remaining books reside on the shelves, some Lego is displayed and stored, my quilts hang upon the walls, and there are no more cardboard boxes strewn about.
This place is beyond humble, but it speaks to me. Its not filled with precious antiques, nor fragile decorative items, no memories, nor rules upon how one must be in this space. A blank canvas if you will, it's the basics, (well plus a whole crap load of ABS, but aside from the Lego, and the over abundance of plants on the balcony...) this nothingness is pretty much what I need. Place to eat, place to sleep, and place to play.
When my sister visited, she said "It looks like you have lived here for years" and I think she meant I look to be comfortable in my space, and to be surrounded by the things that make me happy, and I truly am. But I havent lived here for years, and that is one of the wonderful bits about living here. Everything is new, my space, my town, my surroundings, etc. and there is something refreshing about that.
SO yes, Im happy here, aside from a few obvious sad bits. I miss my kids something terribly, but they have their own needs, and Im so proud of who they have grown up to be. I also miss my friends and this one sort of hit me from out of the blue. I mean, yes, I knew I would miss them, but I had no idea how profoundly so.
So, as I said, Im sitting here looking around (and once all the chores of moving in were complete), I started realizing there is a huge thing missing from life.
Friendship. Or more precisely, close proximity friendship.
Well, making friends in a city where you dont know a soul seemed a bit daunting... but I figured, if I dont do anything about this soon, I will never make friends...and I will be alone in my apt. staring at the walls. So, I stuck myself out there a bit teetering between self sufficiency and the need for companionship, and so far the reaction has been good. I made a list of what I can do to meet like-minded individuals and perhaps end up with some friendships, and so far this is basically what has happened over the past week.
1. I posted about one hobby Im interested in and began looking for locals that would want to meet regularly, and it seems to have blossomed quite nicely. I was lucky enough to find someone else that is just as keen to kick start this venture. 2. I found out where different groups meet (got to love the internet) for other hobbies that interest me, took a chance on that last night and was pleasantly surprised. Making plans to do that again this coming week. 3. I started to network a bit behind the scenes via online groups of various hobbies/pastimes/passions that peek my interest. 4. I went back to my old town to spend time with old friends, because as amazing as new friends are, nothing beats the history between people that know so much. 5. I made some plans to have a few different friends to come visit with me over the next few months. 6. Seriously contemplating taken some course or classes to met other people, particularly something around dance, or art come fall when my son returns back to school. 7. Lastly and most hazy currently, Im developing ways that will promote my need to create and perhaps link me to artists from the area as well.
The last one is going to take some work, but I am happy with the response from the first four parts of the plan.
So I cant complain, and I also cant say I don't know a soul in Guelph anymore. If this leads to any long term friendships, well I guess only time will tell but in rare not very Janey- like moment, I will remain optimistically hopeful.
Well its been a month since I have updated this blog... and what a busy month it has been.
As of April 1st (nope, its not a joke) I will retire from my great couch surfing experiment of 09 and take up residence in the lovely town of Guelph. There is something about Guelph that appeals to me, and we already found a dinner that has great poutine! Who can argue with that???
I can not offer enough thanks to a few very close friends that have helped me pack, sort, and go through the apartment seeking process with me.
Frankly, looking for apartments was disgusting! Absolute dumps for huge amounts of money, in gross buildings, with miserable landlords.... That was all I saw apartment after apartment. It was depressing. And honestly, as I told a few friends in an email, its truly been an eye opening process looking for a place to call my own, especially looking for a crap-tastic apt knowing I still own a 5 bedroom home with a huge Lego room just a few hours north. But... change is a good thing, and freedom always has a cost.
Anyhow, I found a small main floor apartment in a low rise in Guelph, and in all honesty, its way more than I want to spend, and not beautiful by any means, but livable, clean, with what appears to be a nice landlord. So I gave them last and first, and after 20 years I'm officially a renter again. I guess this is full circle. Smile.
Honestly, renting is a bit of a culture shock after living in a home for so long, and I do wonder where the hell I will store most of my Lego. I'm ready to say good bye to that big old red brick house.... but I hate the idea of losing my gardens and having to wash my clothes with other people (Ewwwwwwwwwwww), but overall, things are falling into place.
In a few years when we sell our home, I may jump back into the home owners realm... but right now, I cant say for sure. I must admit, there is an appeal to know at anytime I can just up and go. I'm sure Freud would say there is a deep seeded fear of commitment, and perhaps that is true, but now as my kids are grown, and I don't owe anyone anything... I pray I don't fall flat on my face as I jump off the side of conservative predictability. Today I take a deep breath, and know, I am half way there. Where? Who knows. Guess time will tell.
The next week is supposed to be March Break, but I'm going to call it Packing Hell week, so... please drop over and distract me from the chore of packing. Perhaps someone can beat me with a motivation stick, and I will get a lot done. Not holding my breath on that one, giggle.
Not too much happening really.... been making a million to-do lists and crossing off bits here and there. Haven't found a place to call my own yet... but have managed to sort out a number of affairs. Im sick of banks, and paperwork and playing telephone tag, but I guess they are all a necessary evil.
As I touched on with my last post, I found one of the most surprising thing in this journey is how much I really do not care for many of the things I have collected over the years. Riding myself of those things has been pretty freeing.
I am not sure what I will do with ~ALL~ my Lego, so the first job was to pack it up and store it until I can make some decisions. Thankfully that job was completed last week prior to my leaving. I have accumulated so many bricks that its almost inconceivable, all I do know that there isn't an apartment in my price range that will have a room for it all. So eventually I will have to reduce the collection but for now, that process is on hold. After that job was done, I could focus on tons of other bits and pieces and collections throughout the house.
For example, I opened the curio cabinet... which has been jammed packed with 20 years of knickknacks that apparently have value for our family. Upon opening the door to sort things out, I ended up rescuing one tiny knickknack for myself, and two little items each put up for my boys. The rest of the stuff in there meant nothing to me, nor anyone else in the house. The items quickly were put into a garbage bag, without pomp or circumstance, dumped to the curb. Sort of surprising yet I guess understanding. The fireplace mantel and the printer box on the wall were basically the same story. Good bye to the lanterns and candlesticks, the huge collection of decorative corks, etc.
For years I have obsessively collected things, those are just one small example of the out of control pack ratting...
So I hit yet another room. I stand in the kitchen, as mentioned, I have already cleared away the straggling Lego, but across every single cupboard is a collection of tins that reach into the hundreds. Last year or so (when I had my last cleaning purge, I vowed to get rid of 100 of them, which I did do) but looking up there now, I just think, what in hell was I thinking collecting these things??? So once again the great purge begins. I start this time by taking everyone of them down, and make a small pile of the ones I really want to keep. I decide its ok if I keep 20 but the rest must go. I start filling huge leaf bags and by the time I am done, I have 3 of them completely filled. I look up around me and the free space feels good, almost liberating. I am on a roll now. I continue through the dinning room and living room. Take down old items that no longer stand the test of time, I throw things out, I bag stuff for charity and I ear mark a few things for Ebay.
The next room is going to be a huge task, and I am heading there to take care of it next Wednesday (as well as many other lose ends) I have enlisted 2 of my closest friends to help. We are about to tackle my collection of books, 12 overstuffed full-size bookcases and a number of smaller ones as well. Which need to be sorted, boxed and organised. I plan on getting rid of many of my text/reference (perhaps half, if I can manage it) and most of my paperback novels (minimally 90%). Currently I assume the best thing to do with the novels is to take them to a used book store, and donate the hard covers to the library for the book sale.
I have a feeling my back with hurt like hell by the end of the process, but my heart will be filled with the support of my friends, and my mind will be free of even more clutter.
There comes a time when sometimes you just have to shake up your life.
I have lived in this small town for way too long, (15 years actually) and its time to hit the highway. Sort of a sudden and long term decision all wrapped into one. I have spent the past week purging hundreds and hundreds of items that once meant something to me, but lately holds little interest. Will spend the next few days packing up things I want to hold on to, and I will go in search of my new home.
I posted this on facebook, since a few other people I knew had sent me their versions... but decided to post it here as well, cause lets face it, Im lazy... giggle.
25 Random facts about myself...
1. I dislike every holiday except Halloween.
2. Although I can recognize the beauty, I am never truly inspired by nature. I don't care about a majestic mountains, babbling brooks or starry nights. My awe is reserved for man made structures, inventions and art.
3. I truly have no idea how loud my own voice often is.
4. I hate how most people have very little understanding or tolerance for mental illness or for people that have one.
5. I do not care about who you work for or how much money you make. I am interested in how you treat others and if anyone can depend on you.
6. I once bit one of my high school teachers in the middle of class. He deserved it.
7. I am addicted to the internet, seriously addicted. As well, obsessively collect things, beads, lego, tins etc... (and as long as we are talking addictions) I am totally oral fixated (and no, I did not just say that for the joke fodder.)
8. I consider myself a "Jill of most art trades, master of none". I have done everything from sculpture to painting, stained glass to beading, mosaics to woodcarving, photography to paper making and everything in between... except for metalsmithing ( I plan to rectify this coming year).
9. I dont do "love", frankly I find physical love to be more fulfilling and important than emotional love. I have had a million crushes, and too many flings, but I have been in love... truly in love, only 3 times. Hopefully 3rd time is the charm.
10. I have four visible scars, three are from surgeries.
11. I hate driving with a passion. Unlike my peers, I did not get my drivers license at 16, but 21 instead. I drive (and frequently) but only because there is no other option, it is not pleasurable and often I find it stressful.
12. I have always enjoyed and still enjoy public speaking.
13. I love to dance and took many different types of dance lessons as a child. I think it's a shame most men of my generation can not polka or even manage a simple waltz, it is with this fact, that I will blame my domineering habit of leading.
14. I dumped my kindergarten boyfriend for crying like a baby when our school bus was in an accident. Apparently I have always been a bit hard core.
15. I do not like colouring books or other toys that stagnate creativity. I am a huge fan of construction toys, much to the horror of my "Lego friends", any construction toy will do.
16. I do not sleep well, often going nights without sleeping at all. Many circumstances must be met for me to have a good night sleep, one of them being that I have ~MY~ blanket. (No, I will not share it, no matter how charming, cute, or persuasive the person laying beside me is).
17. Once, someone told me that I was hard as rock on the exterior, and soft as a melted gooey marshmallow on the inside. I resented that remark. not because it isn't true, but because I wish people could only see the rock.
18. Someone else told me, I am best at coping with life when one of my family/friends are in dire need of my support. I resented that remark, only because it is true. I am happier when I have something difficult to focus on, when life is good, I become riddled with unjustified fears or unrealistic expectations.
19. The number 19 is my favourite number. Somewhere I have a list of 19 reasons why.
20. I once took a full swing of a golf club to my right eye splitting my eyelid open and giving me a shiner that lasted a number of weeks.
21. I love when I make people laugh so hard they cry.
22. In kindergarten, a boy (not the one I dumped) and I got into "serious" trouble for sneaking into the school during recess and somehow spilling iodine (that we took from the first aid box) on the dress up clothes. I believe that moment might be a defining moment of me having issues with authority.
23. One of the best summers of my life was a summer fling with an "American" boy. Luckily we never had to endure the Olivia/John moment in September because I never spoke to him again once he went back home after summer vacation.
24. I do not regret, learning the hard way, that one should never drink a huge bottle of 3 dollar brandy, especially when one has not eaten for the entire day.
25. I have serious trust issues and I am pretty sure you are lying to me.
As you may have noticed... my "bravejournal" had a bit of a glitch this past week. In fact, most bravejournal entries by many users across the globe were marked as dangerous sites by the Google gods, which made lots of ppl unable or unwilling to view any bravejournal sites.
Please be rest assured, its was not JUST my blog in particular that was singled out, and I am sure someone somewhere did put something "virus"like or sent spam out, or perhaps slammed all things brought to you by the letter G..... but somehow I do think there was a gross overreaction on the part of Google. Of course I have no proof of that, this is just my Gut reaction.
Anyhow, unlike SOME PEOPLE I know... I am not a blind follower and happy supporter of "Google, thy internet is mine" and while I will happily use their search engine, Im not completely sold on their virtuously innocent act.
Got to love me a big huge slice of conspiracy pie.
Anyhow...
A long while ago I decided to stay with bravejournal because it was Canadian, and truly not because it wasnt Google owned and operated. I n fact, I have a few other blogs on eblogger (part of the big delicious Google family) but since this blog was here, I decided to keep it here.
This week surely had me second think that, for a short moment)... but frankly there are a few hundred posts here, and a number of comments, and trying to import them somewhere else did not seem to be the way I wanted to spend my day.
Soooo, basically on the scale of conspiracy woes vrs my apathy... the blog remains here.
Read if you dare, (evil laugh.)
Oh, btw, this post has been post-dated, just like all the cheques you send me.
Im thrilled this has finally come to my attention...
I live in a old house, very old, and one of the major problems of dealing with an old house is the lack of electrical outlets. All 3 bedrooms on the second floor of the house have exactly one electrical outlet, right beside the door as you wall in. So... let me do the math, for my room alone... one pathetic outlet versus my reading lamp, alarm clock, sewing machine, makeup mirror, laptop, fan (in summer, electric mattress pad in winter), phone charger, and various other items that I might want to plug in while in my bedroom (wink wink).... equals a mess of cords and powerbars. Multiply this by the other rooms, add in all the crap teens have and want, stereos, amps, electric guitars, xbox, wii, tvs, dvd players, etc, and our house is totally under serviced when it comes to outlets.
Anyhow, today Im stumbling along on the net, and what do I see... Nearly afforable wireless extention cords.
Cue the trumpets and angels...
There just might be a god!
I am looking forward to these getting super cheap and purchable at Wallyworld, Home Deathspot or Crappy Tire.
Hmmm, nice to see this blog program up and running again, for the last day or two I was getting error messages or it wouldnt load.
Anyhow, back to the point.... this past week I hit the 6 month mark of being a non-smoker. Not sure if that is cause for celebration or a good reason to go light up. LOL. I guess for now I will continue down this path, until a handsome smoke hits on me, and I cant resist his charms.
As well, the month is more than half over and I can happily report I have not spent an extra dime on myself, (did buy my youngest an xbox membership as an added Christmas gift, other than that) all expenditures have been essential house or food items. Hope this pursuit of saving money can last.
Also have been taking a break from most of my hobbies, havent painted, or built, or beaded for months on end. Project ideas are starting to pop into my head now, so perhaps that's the motivation I need, although I am not entirely sure that will be enough. Time will tell.
So a new"ish" friend is coming over for a visit, and since they have never been to my house before, I explain to them that (from the direction they are coming from) they need to drive all the way through my town to the gas station before turning.
They innocently and curiously ask "Oh, so how many lights do I go through before I turn on your road."
"Uh, none."
"None?"
"Yep, none. We have no stop lights."
.... and thats the sort of day its been, in this small town.
So X is having serious trouble sleeping, sleep problems are not new, but they are exasperated by recent stress, so we decide to try some pills for the next few weeks.
I trust my own research, but I also embrace asking people in the know questions to back my own research.
So, I go to my local pharmacy, and I ask a few pertinent questions.
1. Is there a difference between brands, or is the active ingredient the same?
2. Is there differences in doses?
3. Are over the counter sleeping pills at all addictive or habit forming?
These are my educated pharmacist replies....
1. No, all brands are the same, the active ingredient is the same (which I will not attempt to spell by memory). Try the store brand, it will save you money.
2. Yes, the regular strength, 25 mg, and the extra strength, 50 mg.
Up until this point, I am on board, his replies seem plausible, and also seem to be backed up by the packaging I see before me. All is well with the world... until he answers question number 3.
3. Well, they shouldnt be, but you might find some brands that are.
Uh, wtf????
Didnt you just tell me the active ingredient is the same in all brands.
OMG, can someone please show me your diploma???
Perhaps I should be allowed to use my own sleep aid formula on this pharmacist...
.....and that's the kind of day its been in this small town!
Over the next few days I'm going to do a running "series" on "Small Town Charm" AKA "Please, I'm begging, get me out of this god forsaken hole!"
Back story -
3 or 4 times a week it is just my youngest son (the only one that still lives at home) and myself for dinner. He is a great kid on most fronts, but by far, the most pickiest eater on the planet. It is difficult to get excited about cooking the same crap over and over, so on these nights, I often just let him pick what he wants for dinner, and make myself something else which he would never want.
If I am not up to cooking, I will often just pick something up at a deli which no one in the house cares to eat as a meal, such as a salad, or some vegetarian meal.
Fast forward to today -
I head to my very small town grocery store, I figure I will pick up some deli soup or a salad, while my son has one of his few favourites, chicken fingers and fries. After looking over the meager selection, longing for a store with more variety, I pick a Chicken Ceaser Salad and head home.
I mix in the dressing, add the croutons, and open my mouth for a taste. Well, something is just not right. I must admit, I find it extremely vile when you expect a certain taste and another flavour surprises your mouth.
Yes, only in my small town would they think its totally normal to substitute turkey for chicken and not bother to change the label.
Ok, sure, its not the end of the world, I agree, its not even that horrible of an offense. Hell, sure it could have been rat or cockroach, but still, there is a weird sensation when you are prepared to taste chicken, and it just is not chicken.
Im sure its because the grocery store had tons of holiday birds left over... and certainly didnt want to be wasteful, but I am begging you sir, please, at least label the food packages correctly.
Although these birds below appear to be chickens and turkeys I assure you, in my town, they are ALL chickens.
Picture borrowed from jrcomption.com.
.....and that's the kind of day its been in this small town!
I just got home from an extended New Years... no hopes or promises or recaps this year. There is one interesting note of time passing tho, in one week, I will have become a non-smoker for 6 full months. I guess that's something.
As for the rest of my life... well... the old saying rings true. The more things change, the more the stay the same.
I made two simple resolutions this year. 1. Learn metalsmithing 2. Reduce my dept
Time to get on with my life.
Thought this was an interesting sentiment.
I hope my friends and family are having a Happy New Year, and I will raise the JD in wishing you the seasons best and RIP dear J.
So much to say, so little guts to say it all. (Not much like me at all... but I do normally feel the need to protect my own, so my gut is torn between respect and honesty and the emotions that fly inbetween.)
Frankly its been a month of serious ups and downs... have had some great times and a few really shitty low times. But, hell... so is life. Im not here to bitch or complain (at least not today, wink), and I am surely not here to claim I have some answers.
It is really is true..., the older one gets the less one knows.
In fact, I do not have any answers... but I have many questions, most of them that only time will answer.
I do know a few things, they are not answers, but realities.
I love both my children more than anything in the world, they are amazing people and they both have brought me immeasurable pride and joy.
Independence is a scary for a short time, but dependence is scary for a lifetime.
No one controls your destiny but yourself.
No one but yourself is responsible for your love, successes and happiness.
No one but yourself controls your hatred, your anger or failures.
Just as I know, I do not make my choices lightly, I also know you may never understand the choices I have made.
You may choose to think they were to punish you, or because I didnt care, but the fact is, if I didnt care, I wouldnt have bothered putting either of us through any of this.
Some baby birds spread their wings and fly away from the nest without looking back, some hesitate, stay around with open mouths until the mother bird pushes them out. She doesnt love one more than the other, she just does as nature intends. She does what she can to prepare them, and then when she knows they are ready she prompts them to fly. Pushing them to fall or fly on their own, knowing that eventually the one that does not fly at the beginning will have faith in himself eventually. She will watch as they both soar away on their own. She will mourn the loss and celebrate the victory.
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